Empowering the Heartbeat of Your Life is a ministry of the heart, where our goal is to help you become competent working in the heartbeat of your family, so you can have and hold your children’s hearts and write the best possible family story.
You and I both know the heart is much more than just a physical organ. We think of it as the center of our being, which is a bit ambiguous, and some would say even mysterious.
The heart can be a foreign and unknown place for someone whose heart was neglected their whole life—left to its own wisdom, uneducated and untrained. However, the heart can also be a known, familiar and very comfortable place for someone who received lots of positive and intimate influence by a loving parent and/or the Holy Spirit.
I want to show you that the heart is a vital relational entity—God even says so—and as such it can be de-mystified enough for our practical purposes toward inner growth—both relationally and spiritually.
God’s Workplace Is the Lining of Our Heart
Here’s a Scripture passage where God makes it abundantly clear that He wants to work in our heart.
“This time I’m writing out the plan in them, carving it on the lining of their hearts. I’ll be their God, they’ll be my people. They won’t go to school to learn about me, or buy a book called God in Five Easy Lessons. They’ll all get to know me firsthand, the little and the big, the small and the great. They’ll get to know me by being kindly forgiven, with the slate of their sins forever wiped clean.” ~ Hebrews 8:6 The Message
God, our Heavenly Father, works in the lining of our heart. “Lining” always reminds me of the old days when I used to sew my clothes. I made a wool suit that had to be lined, every piece of the garment including the sleeves of the jacket. The reason is wool stretches and loses its form. Without a nice lining to keep the shape of the garment, it will stretch out in every direction, becoming misshapen.
I love the descriptive of the Lord’s work in the lining of our heart—setting His wisdom in all the places of our heart, so we don’t spread out every which way following our own sloppy wisdom. Our heart is the Lord’s canvas, stage, and platform to work in our lives.
The Lord goes on to say that we will know Him first hand when He accomplishes His work. This makes the heart a vital relational entity, the place where God communicates with us, and where He wants us to relate with Him.
God also commands us as parents to do the same kind of work in our children’s hearts that He does in our heart. Here it is in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 TAB.
“And these words which I am commanding you this day shall be [first] in your own minds and hearts: [then] you shall whet and sharpen them so as to make them penetrate, and teach and impress them diligently upon the [minds and] hearts of your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.”
Here again, God’s workplace in our lives is in our heart, and in turn we are to work in our children’s hearts, and to do so relationally. Our relationships are the vehicle for God to work in our heart and for us to work in our children’s hearts.
The Lord’s work in us is not done in a schoolroom or in front of a prepared curriculum, or through a batch of information we’re supposed to learn. The vehicle for the Lord’s work in us is through our relationships. How we interact throughout the day, from sun up to sun down, is what God is looking at. He wants to influence all of that with His loving correction and instruction.
It seems that if the heart is the place we are inviting Jesus to live and work in our lives, we need to understand what He wants to do there, so we can learn how to intentionally cooperate with His work. Then we’ll have more clarity for what to do in our children’s hearts.
Vague Christianeze
Let’s discuss some of the common expressions about the heart that we’ve all probably heard over the years in church circles. My friend, Barbie Poling, offered her thoughts from being churched her whole life. She viewed the heart as the “deepest part” of her person—the place of connecting with God, but not in any real practical sense.
She said that if I had told her to “work in your children’s hearts”, she would think in general terms that she was to make sure they turned out to be Christians, or that they were supposed to want the same things she did, or that they didn’t rebel.
You can see that Barbie’s old ideas of what it might mean to work in her children’s hearts didn’t actually point to any practical functions. Rather it just showed a value system she wanted for her children. She still didn’t really know what the “work” consisted of.
Here are some common expressions about the heart Barbie heard in church circles, and what she thought they meant:
• “Ask Jesus into your heart”—This used to mean to allow Jesus to be a part of your life or your forever friend—whatever that means to you—a nebulous idea to say the least.
• “Give your heart to the Lord”—This meant that you were willing to live your life in service to the Lord.
• “Let God touch your heart”—This meant to pause for a moment to experience emotion about the Lord or to “feel good”.
• “Focus your heart on the Lord”—This meant to think thoughts about God and who He is.
• “Love the Lord with your whole heart”—This meant to enjoy a life of church service and activity with other believers.
I hope you can see that these meanings of common expressions about the heart leave believers open to suggestion, and give no practical application in a relationship with God that changes lives.
To Have and to Hold Your Children’s Hearts
Remember the phrase from traditional marriage vows—“to have and to hold from this day forward…”? Marriage can be the hardest relationship most people will ever have, but it can also be a tremendous blessing to live life together with your best friend.
There’s a difference between having someone’s heart and having their commitment simply because you’re living life together. Have you ever thought about that? Do you have and hold your spouse’s heart today? Does your spouse have yours? I want you to learn how “to have and to hold” your spouse’s heart, and the hearts of each of your children.
I listen to podcasts of different Christian leaders, and they’ll be talking about “having your children’s hearts”. I’ll be waiting for them to make a clear point about what that means to them, and how they help parents do that, but they never do. Sometimes, it seems they’re going to say something practical, and in my mind, I can finish their statement, but then they go off on something completely irrelevant. They are extremely vague, and really don’t seem to know themselves. I can only imagine the confusion this brings to moms who are sincerely looking for real answers to their concerns.
I want you to see the dynamic scope of work God is giving us as parents. I want you to be profoundly shocked to discover how much we’ve been taught to disengage from our children, and how much we’ve been taught to overlook. The lifestyle example from the church and society tempt us to neglect our God-given parenting responsibilities, reducing the roles of parenting and discipling down to a mere transfer of information to our children while we provide for their physical needs.
Would you like some clarity? I’ve identified 10 functions of the relational heartbeat, and will be sharing them with you in the next few blog posts. I know you’ll enjoy getting more vocabulary for the important work you’re doing in your family.
Click Here to download your free outline
10 Functions of Your Relational Heartbeat
Some of you who’ve read my book, Empowered—Healing the Heartbeat of Your Family, have worked in your children’s hearts for a few years, and it shows! I’m so grateful with you for all the Good Lord has done to heal the heartbeat of your families.
Do you remember what you used to think it meant to “work in your children’s hearts” or to “have your children’s hearts”? Do you have clarity now? Please let me know in the comments below!
If you’re just starting out on this journey toward Christ’s heartbeat, can you share what you think it means to “work in your children’s hearts”? I’d love to hear your thoughts as well!
Dear Hearts, no matter where you’re at in your journey, God is so faithful to give you clarity and practical instruction when you are seeking answers from Him for your parenting. I’m grateful to be playing a part in that with you!
I believe having your children’s hearts means that they don’t resist you. They trust you because you have invested time getting to know them deeply. Where some people make an assumption, believing the worst of their intentions, you know them better than that and believe the best of them and dig deeper to find out what is really going on. They trust your instruction or/and correction because they know you love them and are trust worthy. Is this along the lines of what it means, Marilyn?
Hi Erica, thank you for sharing your thoughts! Your children not resisting you is certainly one of the blessings of having their hearts, but that can also be a fruit of fear-induced parenting. You need additional evidence of having your kiddos hearts. Perhaps their body language when you are correcting them, and the spirit of their responses to you when you tell them things they don’t want to hear, but need to hear from you.
Hi Marilyn! This topic is something I have thought a lot about over the years and it was interesting to think about how I interpreted “having my children’s hearts” then and how I understand it now. My leaning toward legalism at that time led me to think of it through the lens of obedience. I thought that if my children were obeying cheerfully then I had their hearts but it was something that I put on them from outside enforcement rather than love. They obeyed but only under the fear of punishment or disappointment from me instead of obeying because love was growing inside them and they wanted to obey.
This has definitely been an evolving idea for me and one that I think I am still growing in but where I understand it now is that as I love my children (and husband!), I can more effectively train their hearts. Their hearts are truly more yielded to me and to the Lord’s work in them.
I’m looking forward to more blog posts about this subject, Marilyn!
Hi Stephanie! You *have* been thinking of this for quite some time! And you aren’t alone in thinking obedience means you have your children’s hearts. I hear this one idea more than any other. But, as you’ve learned, obedience alone is no indication of having their hearts, since obedience and compliance can be fear-induced, and can be in place on the surface without it ever penetrating the heart. You have good understanding, Stephanie, be encouraged! Keep treating your precious ones as real people who deserve respect and honor and have a need to be understood by you and you will be loving them, and they will want to respond to your requests, corrections, and instructions to their hearts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I have read quite a few of your emails and blog posts in the past several months. Can you please explain what “working in the heartbeat of your family” means? And “journey towards Christ’s heartbeat?” Thank you.
Hello, Anne, thank you for your question! I recently answered it in a blog post titled “10 Functions of Your Relational Heartbeat”. Here’s a portion of what I wrote:
“Relational heartbeat denotes activity that’s in a constant state of motion. It is our interactions with our world that are in a constant state of motion—how we interact with life, ourself, with others, and with God. Our interactions are carried out from the inner recesses of our heart as they are expressed to the outside world…The functions of our heartbeat is where we are expressing to the world what we know about interacting with life. Our heartbeat is also the place for us to check and measure how we are growing in all 10 areas of relational interaction. The various functions of our heartbeat are practical toward getting to know ourselves better so we’ll be able to cooperate more with the Lord’s work in us. We can lead our children to know themselves too, and learn to recognize the Lord’s work for themselves…Our Heavenly Father wants us on a journey toward Christ’s heartbeat—learning the lessons of LOVE.”
Let me know how you enjoy the blog series and if you have anything else you’d like me to clarify. Blessings as you read, Marilyn
Hello! When I think of having my children’s hearts, I think of whether they want to be around me. Do they seek me out for comfort, guidance, to tell me something funny they thought of, to take me on some adventure they have thought up? Do I know them well? Do I know what is on their mind today? Do I know what they enjoy? I think these things all point to my having their hearts because it points to us being in a real and deep and right relationship as mother and child. Thank you Marilyn, for your post! What a thought provoking and challenging post for me right now!
Hello April, I love all of your expressions of how you have your children’s hearts! Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad I can continue to provoke you to more heart connections with your precious ones. ~ Marilyn
Hi Marilyn! I really enjoyed this article and think you have some adorable little grandchildren! The youngest reminds me of my youngest who is 15 mo. His little hugs and his wet kisses (he trys to make the smacking sound) always melt my heart.:) Anyway, I found several points you made here very thought provoking.
One in particular was where you mentioned, {quote} “The heart can be a foreign and unknown place for someone whose heart was neglected their whole life—left to its own wisdom, uneducated and untrained” This thought really drove it home for me personally. There is a great deal of pain when your heart has never been known or pursued by your earthly parents. I was raised being taught that children need to be seen and not heard, which meant so many different things on so many different levels, so when I had my own children I didn’t want them to experience that same pain I experienced, however many of the mentalities had become so ingrained in me that I would find myself replicating the same relational styles that formed and shaped me as a child.
When I began to see the same fruit such as conformity, anger, rebellion, sibling rivalry and frustration in my children that I saw in myself as a child, I desperately wanted to discover a better way. I really desired to know their hearts and have their hearts, and began to recognize that it had to start with me. I had to learn how to relate to them in love, to learn how to engage them, to become involved in the things that they were interested in, to understand that as a child they have a voice, and when I listen to them with the intention to understand rather than cutting them off by bringing my anger or frustrations into the equation, they become more open, trusting and yielding to loving correction and instruction. In this, not only do they give their hearts to me, but obedience becomes something they desire to do from the heart.
I don’t believe that obedience that is required and expected without growing into a want to, could even be considered true obedience. In other words, where obedience to God may at times seem difficult or impossible, it is through the loving fellowship with the Lord surrounding the area that He wants to bring into obedience to Him that our hearts become pliable and willing and we then allow Him to shape our desire into a want to. A great reminder of that is when Jesus went to Gethsemane, to be alone with the Father in prayer. He cried, “If it be thy will let this cup pass from me, but rather not mine but thy will be done.” Jesus as a man needed to pour out his heart to the Father and receive renewed strength and vigor to continue moving forward and fulfill His purpose, to meet death at the cross. Philippians 2:8 — And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
To expect children to obey if the relational component and the abiding fellowship between the parent and child are broken is really an oxymoron. The best you can hope for at this point is compliance, even though it may look like obedience on the exterior. True obedience is the component that comes out of a relationship that has ongoing, abiding unbroken fellowship between two parties. We see that same relational pattern between Jesus and God, where He says He did nothing of his own accord but that which he saw the Father do or say that He did and said. If you study the word obey in scripture, the majority of the time it says to obey my voice, which is representative of fellowship in a relationship. Likewise our relationship and ongoing fellowship with God through the activity and abiding presence of His Spirit can grow in that same pattern.
I used to see obedience as a prerequisite to a relationship which is completely backwards. I am finding that the Lord’s ways have a certain order to them and that order can be a mystery to those whose hearts don’t really desire to seek out His ways, to practice and learn them. One of my favorite scriptures is in Proverbs 25:2 that illustrates this. “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honor of kings is to search out a matter.”
As I practice these valuable new relational patterns, I am learning that the fruit in my boys can be a gauge for me, showing me whether my growth is progressional or regressing back into old ways of thinking and relating.
The process is being influential in helping me heal from the pain and neglect of not being known by own parents. The insecurities and identity crisis that fed into that are finally being silenced and replaced by a quiet peace and rest in the unbroken fellowship with God the Father through His Spirit, and I am getting to know myself and learning what it means to relate to myself in a healthy way. I hope that makes sense.
I really enjoy your writings and appreciate the truths you share and bring out in your writings and always anticipate seeing what you may write about next! Blessings!
Thank you for all of your thoughts, Velda! (Especially commenting on my precious little ones ; )) I’m glad you’ve been provoked to receive more influence from the Lord to your heart! I loved reading about how you’ve grown in influencing your precious ones too! I agree with your thoughts on obedience and completely understand the process you have described yourself to be in right now–the same process we are encouraging all dear moms and dads to follow. Yes, it all makes sense, and it’s good to hear how far you’ve come in your own healing. Thank you so much for sharing with me and our readers! ~ Marilyn PS: I edited a couple of spots for you and deleted the self-edit comment you posted after your comment.
The PDF is no longer available, where can I get it?