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Relational Fitness — There probably isn’t a mother who believes she’s completely “ready” to help her children become who they want them to be. We parents rise to the current challenges as we go along, but perhaps the question to ask is this:
Do you feel emotionally and relationally fit—in a state of readiness—to tackle the challenges surrounding the heartbeat of your family? If you’re feeling something lacking; if you could use more capacity, then the answer might point to the need for more personal growth and development.
Let’s look at this idea. Your daily decisions for your physical health will either increase your capacity for life or severely limit you. It’s the same for relational health. The decision you’re making today to delay your personal inner growth will limit your capacity tomorrow to lead your children through increasingly more mature processes of growth, development, and learning.
The reality is that your child’s development is completely dependent upon you to become the best possible version of yourself along the journey of life. You can only transfer to your children what you have known for yourself. If you are still the same person you were when you started having children, you will limit your children as well.
As parents, we all need to become as familiar as possible with the inner workings of how growth processes work so we can confidently bring our children with us instead of pushing them to fumble and flounder on their own.
Your Inner and Outer Worlds
Your level of personal development in your outer world (health, finances, relationships, home education, and the knowledge, experience, mindset, and beliefs in each of those areas) will always be a struggle if you don’t dedicate time each day to your inner world to bring order out of chaos.
Your inner world includes your thought life, your character of heart, your habits, and your emotional receptors. Your outer world will always parallel and reflect this inner world.
Most Parenting Concerns Are Relational Ones
In all of my years of meeting homeschooling moms and answering their questions, I found that nearly every question has had a relational answer. Even many of the academic concerns moms have had can be solved with a relational answer that addresses either the character, learning style, interest bent, age-readiness, or other soul-felt need of the child. The real problem lies within mom who often can’t see past her own weaknesses, fears, anxieties, biases, and cultural expectations to get to know her individual children to learn what they truly need. Mom isn’t in a state of internal readiness to address her parenting and educating challenges and so keeps looking outwardly for what will fix her kids.
You don’t have to develop emotional or relational intelligence—an ability that trained professional therapists and psychologists have. However, you do have to become emotionally and relationally fit. Relational fitness is a state of readiness where you’re ready to tackle the challenges of parenting and educating your children, but more importantly addressing their heart-level needs. You don’t have to go to school to grow into more fitness. You only need God to parent you and He is very practical and knows you and your children better than you do.
Only you can take actions in harmony with truth for your life. No one else can do it for you, not your spouse or the “wishing fairy”. You can’t afford to wait for someone else (like your husband, perhaps?) to do what you think they ought to be doing. You can choose this day to become the best version of yourself who will create and add value to everyone under your charge, every single day.
Who You Are Right Now Matters to God
It’s true that you are not everything you are meant to be, but you matter to God just the same. And, you are just as worthy, deserving, and capable of creating health, great relationships, love, and success in your life as any other mom who carries the weight of responsibility for her family’s home education, no matter what your circumstances are now.
Who you are now matters to God, and your growth and development matter to Him too. Your family depends on you knowing that, so they will know this truth too—that they matter to God and that He wants to help them personally. It’s absolutely crucial for the impact you make on your children and husband that you start living in alignment with the truth that you matter to God, and He wants to help you along your way of personal growth and development. “Man plans his way, but the Lord orders His steps.”
A Personal Story from Summer 2015—When my son-in-love, Aaron, began a personal early morning routine that included time for prayer and exercise, his life had been over-stressed for nearly two years with the complete care of his two young boys every morning before heading to a full day’s work. My daughter had been in an extensive recovery period from complicated double jaw re-alignment surgery and the serious health issues that ensued to her neurology. She spent much of her time in bed and couldn’t help him in those first couple of hours in the morning before he went to work.
I’m sure you can imagine the burden of carrying his wife’s daily duties, including laundry and dinner when he got home from work. It really took a toll on his own health and he was pretty desperate to regain some control. He was inspired that he didn’t actually have to “add” something to his morning that kept him from tending to his kids, he just needed to bring his boys into it with him, and he did. He was much relieved and they loved it, and he’s been going strong ever since, losing a bunch of weight and feeling better than he’s felt in years. He found a way to make it work for him. God inspired him and he took action.
Do you believe that God wants to help you further your own growth and development? Can you see how you might fit in one thing toward that purpose? Receive inspiration from the Lord. He wants to give it to you! Let me know what you do!
[Read: Make 5 Shifts toward Your Family’s Relational Fitness]
Thank you so much for sharing your deep insights…things so important, yet so rarely spoken of! I too fell ‘victim’ for so many years to just apply the next external method in order to make homeschool and family life successful….when in truth I have finally come to realize, life really does begin with what’s going on inside of me. It’s a relief to make this connection, and know that with God’s leading, His burden is light because He knows and understands me -and my family! I also enjoyed hearing about your son-in-law’s journey of sharing life with his little boys. I’m enjoying your new website and blog!
Hi Christal! I remember that time, like you, when I was so relieved to learn that life began with what was going on inside of me, and I just needed to let the Lord bring me into the change of heart He had for me. The burden of providing for my family’s education became so much lighter! Thank you for sharing!
Marilyn, thank you for encouraging those of us that are still in the active season of homeschooling and raising children. Your message (which is His message and Truth spoken in love through you!) goes against the norm and our culture…but that’s the awesome thing! I’ve started to think, really think for myself! Oh, I have a long way to go. The Lord is still working on me, and I am still stubborn and living in some of my old ways, but there is hope. And I thank you for showing me (all of us) that there is hope. That change begins with us, and then we can help our family to change only because we have first shown love and change. Thank you Jesus for the Hope that only comes from You! Thank you Jesus for a loving, living example in Miss Marilyn!
The one thing I am doing right now is reading your book about creating vision for our families. I’m really fired up and inspired! I’ve floundered for so long, and I do not want my son to walk in the ways that I did, lost and just following in the steps of how society says we should walk (school college, job, etc.). No, I want more for him! God created us for SO much more! So that’s my one thing for now. Thank you again, Marilyn!
I’m so happy that you’re thinking for yourself, Shannon, and that you are assuming responsibility for change to begin with you! You’re on a good track toward much fruitfulness!
This is a wonderful testimony of the many years of you never backing down from doing hard things. There are books now talking about the things we need to do, that are hard. And you exemplify this in all of your ministry workings. I am inspired and blessed that you have graciously given of yourself nuggets of wisdom that I can take into my family’s life, to inspire myself and them to do hard things so we can overcome. And reminding myself and my family that God cares about what we do and how we treat each other is helpful and achievable.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jeri, yes God does care very much about what goes on inside your family home! I’ve been encouraged for you and Roy when I’ve read your updates about the wonderful breakthroughs you’ve been having! Thank you for sharing with the other moms in the Facebook group.
Marilyn, thank you for the encouragement to become “relationally fit”! As the New Year rolled around, I was thinking about ways to become more physically fit but I am reminded again how important it is to keep going on this path to becoming more relationally fit and how much that matters to God. It inspired me also to sit down and write out some new goals for myself that include growing in loving my family more. I am really enjoying this new blog and all of the wonderful bits of wisdom that I can take and apply to my life. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Stephanie! That’s a great idea to include some relational goals in your goal setting for the year (or for 3 months at a time like I do). “They” say you really should set goals for each of the major areas of life and try to set a “push” goal that will get the others moving when it gets accomplished. Maybe I’ll right a post on this…Thanks for commenting, Stephanie, it’s good to hear from you! Hugs to you and Reid!
Ooh, that’s really good! A “push” goal. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that!
I just continue to be amazed at God and how He works. As the New Year was nearing I felt inspired to list down goals for 2016. That’s kind of a big thing for me because I quit “making New Year resolutions” years ago because they never lasted. What amazes me is that this post fits right into what the Lord has been showing me and drawing me to do… the Lord has been drawing me to record both inward and outward goals. Your blog post affirms what He has been drawing me towards and is an encouragement to me. Oh and I, too, am interested in reading more about a “push” goal.
I really appreciate your encouragement and the reminders of how much we matter to God right where we are at. And… I really appreciate you and your investment into all of us and our families! Thank you!
Nancy, I can so relate about not doing New Year’s resolutions! My purpose drives my goal setting and I’m motivated to accomplish my goals, but I always need more time! I think time to accomplish all I want to do is my greatest struggle! Realistic goal-setting is key! A goal needs to be strategic and very specific or it’s just a wish.
That is really good… I want to look through the list of things I have been recording and identify whether I am being specific enough and also which one’s I need to put dates to. I get the time thing too… sometimes I look at my calendar and think it will be a good week toward my goals and then all the important things (needs of our family) that crop up squeeze out my time… I am recognizing that THAT is something to be okay with and reset the timeframe on and keep moving forward the best I can. I think I would like to hear more of your thoughts about “goals being strategic” to see if I am aligning up correctly or if there is something I am missing.
Thank you Nancy for your thoughts on this. Since reading some of the other comments, I’m writing a blog post about the “push” goal idea I mentioned, because it’s an efficiency strategy that will help busy moms. But other strategies are that a goal needs to be very specific and measurable and time bound in its breakdown of incremental progression. Otherwise, it stays stuck in the, “I’ll get around it eventually” mode.
I was praying this morning after realising that I am in state of crisis. I specifically asked the Father to please parent me ( as I had no good role model, growing up in a violent and abusive home ). Five minutes later, I read this article saying that “you only need God to parent you…” I praise God for His faithfulness and I thank you for this timely message.
There is so much pressure to look outside for answers. It was recommended that my youngest boy, who is 6, go to a social skills group. I felt it not to be the right thing and I was sure the Father would somehow equip me. Little did I know that it would mean work on myself to be emotionally fit. But that is what has been on my heart this morning. I need to heal first, and then I can equip my children to deal with life.
I look forward to your future posts.
Hugs and blessings,
Jo
Hello Jo, Thank you for sharing! It’s so wonderful when you get a confirmation such as what you describe, as small of a thing as it may seem, the timing makes it significant. The Lord wants to parent you! Please read my book, Empowered, if you haven’t already, to learn more about the process He wants to take you through so you can know Him, and confidently follow Him. You can bring your children right up alongside you as you heal. You’ll be learning and growing together with the Good Lord leading you. May the Lord give you many courageous moments, Jo.
Marilyn,
I am a husband & dad of a wonderful homeschooling wife of 27 years and 7 beautiful children, 26 to 8. I knows the importance of relationships. I love people, I am always thinking how I can bless my family or others. God dealing in relationships.
Thanks for the encouragement regarding ourselves to be “Relational Fit”.
I found myself last March separated from my wife and children with the statement from my wife, out of the blue:
“I want you to know we are OK, but, I have been trying to get some messages through to you, over time now, and you are not getting them; you are just not seeming to pick up on just your end of things, so I thought it best to give you some time to just be alone and to do some thinking, so at this point I am just planning on being away tonight, just to give you a little time, so we’ll take one day at a time, okay, take care. Bye, bye.”
When I received the message, I thought, OK, I am ready to listen and work through the issues. Well, I was wrong, it was not for just the night. I have not seen, nor heard the voices of my wife or children’s for 10 months now. My wife will only allow communication with her via email, only on Saturdays, from 7 am to 11 am and only dealing with “house keeping” issues.
When I met with my pastor, he said:
“——–, I have known you for 20 years and I have not seen this in you but you have 3 angry members in your family, your wife, your son (25) and your daughter (20).”
He proceeded to pull out a card with the names of two counselors who deal with controlling and abusive men. He then said:
“I want you to go see one of them”.
Prior to this event of my family abandoning me, my wife would say that her mom yelled and shamed her as a child and would say often:
“I don’t do this relational thing very well.”
She, my wife, has been estranged from her mother for many, many years now and the sad part is her mother does not even know why. In fact, recently my in-laws informed me that my wife, their daughter did not want them to communicate with me. My mother-in-law (“mom” as I call her) said to me:
“This is hard, you have been my son for 25 years.”
Marilyn, I admit I am a sinner and I have been immature, selfish and not as loving as I should be, and I’m willing to take full responsibility for all of my past and present behavior, but when my wife says in a email:
“I want you to hurt as much as you hurt us.”
Marilyn, I love my LORD, and I know He loves me because God is disciplining me as a son, though adopted, by the blood of His son, my Lord Jesus, my savior. Even in the midst of the separation, He has given me incredible joy.
My wife has been a follower of your’s. I have sought reconciliation with my family, but my words are nothing to her, nor to my children. I feel they are living in fear and are not able to forgive. Sorry, I am rambling.
I do love my wife, I love my children.
I know I can only control and exercise my own “relational’ fitness. I look forward in following your blog.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom that God have bestowed upon you to share with us.
In His Hands, God is enough!
Dear Wreck,
I’m sorry for your difficulties with your wife and children. I know how painful it can be to go through such loss, and I also know that both parties are at fault in such situations, and both have much to do individually to make things right. You can only take charge over your own part and own personal responsibility for how you relate in unlove.
While I won’t be able to help you process through this period to bring reconciliation, I can offer you my book to read so you can gain insight into the work God wants to do in you as His child. His work in our lives is all about how we relate with others in the particulars of our habits (not in vague generalities), and if we don’t allow Him to show us those habits and lifelong default patterns that end up hurting others then we can’t say that we truly love Him or others with un-self-centered love (even though we maintain a general familial love). You are His child, and He wants to parent you as you receive (just like a child, humble and willing to be made wrong) His hand of correction and instruction to your own conscience. He will show you how to tell the truth to yourself about how you contributed to relational brokenness, how to repent, and how to move forward, and how to make things right. As you go through this process with Him, comfort will be yours and hope will arise for reconciliation with your family. I pray your open heart will invite God to do the deep work these next few months that He’s always wanted to do.
The Lord will remind me to pray for you…Marilyn
http://www.MarilynHowshall.com/empowered
Thanks Marilyn. I do have a loving Father who is tender but firm and always has open arms for me to come to Him. I look forward in reading your book.